The Great Game in Quicktime
by Nightengale
Summary: And the third of the cracky written fun Sherlock episodes. Check my profile for the other two.


Stupid Killer: I so did not kill her.

Sherlock: It's cold here.

Stupid Killer: Really, you have to get me off.

Sherlock: Uh, no thanks.

Stupid Killer: I don't wanna get hung!

Sherlock: Your grammar is enough to hang you for.

Stupid Killer: …

Sherlock: SHERLOCK, OUT!

-INTRO TIME, INTRO TIME, HMMMMM THEME MUSIC!-

Sherlock: I'M SHOOTING SHIT UP!

John: What. The. Fuck.

Sherlock: The writers of this show have read the books, baby!

John: They did it in the RDJ and Jude Law movie too…

Sherlock: BANG BANG!

John: Don't shoot the wall!

Sherlock: Have you seen this fucking wallpaper?

John: Whatever, I'm kinda hungry so I'll – OMG HEAD IN THE FRIDGE!

Sherlock: Make me tea, house wife!

John: But the head in the fridge…

Sherlock: Uh, heads need to be kept cold, duh

John: …

Sherlock: A Study in Pink is a stupid name! *grump grump*

John: Stop reading my blog.

Sherlock: You called me 'ignorant!'

John: Not exactly…

Sherlock: No sex for you!

John: Am I happy or sad about that?

Sherlock: Limited space in my head. The Earth and the Sun can go fuck themselves… spatially!

John: It's the solar system!

Sherlock: Never heard of it.

John: It's primary school!

Sherlock: You're primary school!

John: …the Earth goes round the Sun.

Sherlock: I'm a genius, I can do what I want!

John: …

Sherlock: *bitch face*

John: …

Sherlock: *pout*

John: LEAVING!

Sherlock: …not the goal I'd planned.

Mrs. Hudson: I wish I had someone to gossip with about this.

Sherlock: *stalks John at the window* …Want a murder, please.

Mrs. Hudson: WTF, MY WALL!

Sherlock: Wins.

-KABOOM-

Sherlock: *faceplant*

John: I spent the night at the flat of the girl I'm 'dating' to escape from my 'roommate' because he was being a prat and I got upset.

Sarah: And you slept on the couch.

John: …is this kinda gay?

Sarah: Very.

John: Oh well, I'll just watch TV and – OMG, EXPLOSION BY MY FLAT!

Sarah: Weren't we going to have shower sex?

John: OMFG, GOTTA GO!

Sarah: …I might want to rethink this dating option.

Sherlock: Morning, John, miss me?

John: …I wasn't worried… at all.

Mycroft: I sit like I'm very important.

Sherlock: You're totally not, fatty.

Mycroft: I love you.

Sherlock: I hate you.

Mycroft: Hey, do shit for me.

Sherlock: Nope.

Mycroft: It's seriously important.

Sherlock: Nope.

Mycroft: I'M THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT!

Sherlock: Fuck off!

John: Did you say something about Korea?

Sherlock: Have a nice shag, John? *soooooooo not bitter*

Mycroft: There was no shagging.

Sherlock: Yes!

John: How the… Wait…

Mycroft: Here, John, take this dead guy on train tracks missing missile plan case information.

John: Wait… I'm the bitch?

Sherlock: Uh, duh.

Mycroft: I disown you.

Sherlock: No, I disown you!

Mycroft: *sniffle*

Sherlock: *violin send off*

John: Good old sibling rivalry.

-Phone ring time!-

Sherlock: Off to the police station we go.

John: Well, that was good timing.

Lestrade: Got you a letter in a box.

Sherlock: This better not be another love note.

Lestrade: _

Sherlock: Lady handwriting, is this an Irene Adler reference?

John: *JEALOUS*

Sherlock: Oh look, pink phone.

Lestrade: That prop was from two episodes ago!

Sherlock: Why does everyone read your blog?

John: They like me more?

Donovan: *giggle* The Earth goes round the sun!

Sherlock: *glare at John*

John: I think I'm in the dog house…

Sherlock: I have a message with 5 pips and a boring photo.

John: Wait… is this the start of our main plot?

Sherlock: BOOM!

Mrs. Hudson: No one has been in my basement, no one at all, impossible.

Sherlock: *door face*

John: Uh… shoes?

Lestrade: Am I the random tag along guy this time?

John: Omg… bomb shoes.

Sherlock: These look kind of – ACK, PHONE RING!

Moriarty!Lady 1: *sniffle* Hi, sexy

Sherlock: Um… not what people usually sound like when they call me sexy.

Moriarty!Lady 1: Being strapped to a bomb will do that.

Sherlock: Oooo, bitchy.

Moriarty!Lady 1: Puzzle time! 12 hours before I'm naughty!

Sherlock: …this typing guy sounds really hot.

-Investigating shoes!-

John: Omg, the poor woman.

Sherlock: Pshh, fuck her.

John: I may have to bitch slap you.

Sherlock: Could you grab my phone?

John: It's in your jacket…

Sherlock: I just want you get close and touchy.

John: Mycroft is texting you like a beast.

Sherlock: Tell him to stab himself with dental tools.

Molly: Hi, hi, Sherlock, hi. I have no idea why I'm coming in here.

Moriarty!Jim from IT: Oh, I accidentally came in when I had noooooooo idea there was anyone else in here but you Molly… totally… no idea.

Sherlock: *not paying attention*

Molly: This is Jim, the guy I am trying to make you jealous with and TOTALLY failing at doing so.

Moriarty!Jim from IT: Hello, sworn enemy!

Sherlock: Huh? What?

Moriarty!Jim from IT: Nothing! Just playing gay!

John: *JEALOUS*

Moriarty!Jim from IT: Consulting Criminal OUT!

Sherlock: Gaaaaaaaaaaay.

Molly: No way! I am not a fag hag!

Sherlock: You hang around me all the time.

Molly: What?

John: *whistles*

Sherlock: I saw his underwear, totally gay.

Molly: Don't look at his underwear!

Sherlock: He left me his number.

Molly: …computer help?

Sherlock: And you're fat.

Molly: *flee*

John: …wow, harsh.

Sherlock: So, shoes?

John: Nuh uh.

Sherlock: Uh huh.

John: Nope.

Sherlock: Aw, come on! *doe eyes*

John: Um… 80s retro big children's shoes?

Sherlock: Aww, good job, sweetheart!

John: Really?

Sherlock: No.

John: You going to do one of your speeches now?

Sherlock: Weeeeeelll, they've been washed, whitened, changed laces, but they have mud on them from out of town so they were left because the kid who had them must have died or something.

John: Oh my god, intrigue!

Sherlock: Holy shit, Carl Powers!

John: Oh my god, plot twist!

Sherlock: My first case when I was baby Sherlock and this kid drowned and I so knew it was murder.

John: And we're in a taxi now.

Moriarty!Lady 1: Omg, I'm still strapped to a bomb and these numbers are ticking down in front of my windshield!

Mycroft!Text: Do my case! Do my case!

Sherlock: Off you go, John!

John: I get detective work!

Mycroft: Really? I get stuck with shortie?

John: Cheap shot!

Mycroft: So… the missile plan guy disappeared but didn't buy a train ticket.

John: Mystery!

Mycroft: Sherlock's totally not working on my case, is he?

John: Nope.

Moriarty!Lady 1: It's dark out…

Sherlock: BITCH PLEASE, IT WAS POSION.

John: Wait… shoe kid was poisoned?

Sherlock: Shoe laces, I see you, type it up!

Moriarty!Lady 1: It really turns me on that you solved that. I can't wait until the pool scene!

John: Wait, what?

Lestrade: Poor sad lady with a pager.

Sherlock: I really like this game!

Lestrade: Holy shit, it's an evil… um… eviler Sherlock.

Sherlock: More pips, uh oh, 4 this time.

Donovan: All I get to do this episode is hand people stuff.

Moriarty!Man 2: I told that little bitch Carl Powers where he could stuff his laughing, at the bottom of the fucking pool!

Sherlock: Do you want to go see a film or something?

John: *creeps jealously behind Sherlock*

Moriarty!Man 2: Since you showed off so much I'm giving you 8 hours this time, beat that sexy pants.

Sherlock: You are making it hard for me to concentrate.

Lestrade: Abandoned car with blood!

Donovan: You should have stuck to girls.

John: Yeah, well, he's cheating on me with phone boy now, anyhow *grumble*

Donovan: What?

John: Huh?

Sherlock: Aw… no body, damn it. Oooo, grieving wife!

Wife: *sniffle* I'm sad. Look, I'm so sad.

Sherlock: Omg, I was totally your husband's friend! And I know all this stuff about him!

Wife: Uh, noooooo.

Sherlock: Yeah. Liar bitch.

John: Wow, you should be an actor.

Donovan: FISHING!

Sherlock: He's busy!

John: *scamper*

Moriarty!Man 2: Just reminding you I'm around crying with this busy street scene and a floating 6.

Sherlock: Sup, car dealer?

Dealer Guy: I am totally not suspicious or involved in any way.

Sherlock: Money for me?

Dealer Guy: Oh here, look in my wallet for any clues you need while I can't find you any change.

Sherlock: Oh well, thanks!

John: Wait…

Sherlock: I'm doing science stuff.

Moriarty!Man 2: Clue for you! Roman God!

Sherlock: You just like talking to me, don't you? Because I have no problem with that.

Lestrade: So… pint of blood on the seat?

Sherlock: Someone's been sun bathing in South America with our not dead guy!

John: Waaaaaait…

Sherlock: Car boy had a shitty tan line and a bloody shoulder since he was busy relocating not dead guy.

John: Waaaaaait…

Sherlock: Lots of Columbian money

Lestrade: Cocaine?

Sherlock: Oh, I kept that.

Moriarty!Man 2: FREEDOM!

-Time to feed the John-

John: Do you never eat?

Sherlock: Who the fuck is this ugly bitch on my phone with my three pips?

John: OMG I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T! TV ON!

Moriarty!Lady 3: I've got an old blind lady this time. Buh Bam!

Audience: Omg, trying to gain extra sympathy!

Sherlock: So… what's your motivation?

Moriarty!Lady 3: I hate seeing you go but I like watching you leave!

Sherlock: If that's a pick up line then I like it.

Moriarty!Lady 3: 12 hours!

Lestrade: Uh… so Connie Price is dead.

Sherlock: Time for my mini magnifying glass!

Lestrade: Wait so… this is, like, murder?

John: Oooo, fake wound!

Sherlock: Go brother hunting, Johnny boy!

Lestrade: Why are you getting all this bomber attention?

Sherlock: I am just that pretty!

Lestrade: You know, every time your mouth does that little quirky smile thing I lose a year of my life.

-Scene change!-

John: …this house is very white.

Gay Brother: I am quite sad because of my dead darling lovely sister; watch how sad I am as I pose at the mantel piece.

Cat: Your lap looks like heaven!

John: Um… creepy cat.

Gay Trophy Boy: Heeeeeeeey… just coming in so everyone can see me before I get pinned as the murderer!

John: Creepy smelly cat.

Gay Brother: Let's get close on this tiny couch so I can tell you about how I'm sad and confused.

John: Creepy disinfectant smelling cat, omg, clue!

Sherlock: Heeeeeeeeeey, just hanging out with Lestrade so some other ships get love.

Lestrade: Wait, what?

John: Photo bomb time!

Sherlock: Hold the cat and let's flash dance!

John: I like sniffing cat feet!

Sherlock: PS – it wasn't the cat.

John: But we just did the whole flash dance!

Sherlock: I was trolling the fansites.

John: Huh?

Sherlock: House boy wanted to kill the make up disaster because she was a bitch to her brother.

John: Wow, soap opera.

Sherlock: Botox death, serves you right, injection addict!

Lestrade: Like you can talk!

John: Wait… you've known this for like ages, haven't you?

Sherlock: Yeeeeeeeeeeeah, I just wanted time to stare at the map and papers tacked up all over our wall.

John: You son of a bitch!

Moriarty!Lady 3: Omg, the guy just wouldn't stop talking about how he likes your –

Sherlock: TMI.

-BAH BOOM-

Sherlock: So… that would be 2 for me and 1 for Mr. Fancy Pants.

John: He arranges crimes for people?

Sherlock: Such a cheater!

John: Nice ad in the phone book.

Sherlock: I want a new hostage!

John: Oh. My. God. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Sherlock: Wait what?

John: Uhhhhh, people are dead!

Sherlock: Yeah, we solved their cases.

John: *blink blink* *glare*

Sherlock: Since when do I give a shit about anyone except you?

John: I have big dreams.

Sherlock: Yeah, well, until you're strapped to a bomb, keep on dreaming.

John: Like that will ever happen.

Sherlock: Ah ha! Pip pip and the river side.

John: Fucking Christ, I have to help because then I negate my own argument about needing to care if I don't…

Sherlock: Hey, Lestrade, any riverside soggy corpses?

-MORE CRIME SCENE-

John: Omg, this guy is fat.

Lestrade: Why do I even come to these anymore?

Sherlock: Seven ideas, yeah I said it, seven. Beat that!

John: Someone choked the life out of him?

Sherlock: FAKE VERMEER!

Lestrade: Wait… what?

John: Gonna show off now?

Sherlock: When do I not?

Lestrade: Has anyone else noticed how gray my hair's gone since _V for Vendetta_?

Sherlock: He's wearing a uniform, has soggy museum tickets and a timer on his watch. Total golem hit job, yeah that's the assassin name we went with, and obviously he knew something so wack-a-dee-wack, dead fat ass. FAKE VERMEER!

John: *claps*

Lestrade: Happy New Year.

Sherlock: Hey, homeless girl, here's a 50.

Girl: Hand job?

Sherlock: Creepy hit man info.

John: And I get sent off on an errand… again.

Random Girl: WE WERE ONLY SHARING.

John: …right.

Random Girl: He liked stars and uh…. Nothing else.

John: Hmm… I wonder if this is going to be significant to solving the case?

Random Girl: I would say 'uh duh' but I don't think that's my line.

John: To Professor Carins!

-Wow… someone needs to decorate in here unless this is like 'modernism' or something-

Museum lady: Get your fucking ass back to work!

Sherlock: FAKE PAINTING!

Museum lady: Uhh, noooooooo.

Sherlock: Uhh, yeeeeeeeees.

Museum lady: Totally not.

Sherlock: What about your dead security guard and the creepy folklore named hit man?

Museum lady: I will fire your ass!

Sherlock: Too bad I'm just wearing this uniform to look pretty!

Museum lady: And that you do.

Sherlock: Dramatic coat drop out!

Museum lady: …This painting looks really small on this GIANT white wall here.

John: Why do I have to go talk to all the sad people with dead loved ones?

Sherlock: Because I would make them kill themselves.

John: Sooo, your fiancée?

Widow: MY FIANCEE WOULDN'T GO TRAITOR!

John: Wow, the all caps hurt my eyes.

Widow: He actually watched the chick flick with me that night then just left!

John: Maybe he didn't like _Pretty in Pink_?

Widow Brother: Hurry up and find out what happened… because it's not murder or anything… has to be something else.

Homeless Girl: I'm depressed about standing in the cold.

John: Um… the security guard liked stars.

Sherlock: Wow, so not helpful, as usual.

Homeless Girl: You know, you could give us a quickie for the trouble.

Sherlock: Oooo, the floating words are back with a location.

John: Cool, let's go walk around in the dark in creepy alleys.

Sherlock: Hunting for a hit man in the dark is one of my favorite pass times!

John: If only I had my gun so I could shoot you.

Sherlock: Well, since you asked so nicely. *gun*

John: CREEPY GIANT SHADOW!

Golem: *run for it*

Sherlock: SON OF A BITCH!

John: I'm about to show you up again.

Professor Carins: I like to fast-forward through astronomy shows so it makes a really annoying noise.

Golem: *choke a bitch*

Sherlock: Here I come to save the day… a little bit late!

-Flashing light time!-

Sherlock: Hmm… I wonder if this means he'll be able to sneak up on me?

Golem: SQUISH YOUR FACE.

John: Get. The. FUCK. Off. My. Boyfriend.

Golem: *kick*

Sherlock: *fall*

John: *fly*

Sherlock: Wow, you are super big. I mean, I'm not short at all but I look just TINY next to you!

Golem: You know, I really don't like you.

John: *ATTACK*

Sherlock: *shoot*

Golem: *flee*

John: Well, that was a colossal waste of time.

Sherlock: 'Colossal?' Really?

-This museum has just nothing in it. Really, how do they have that much empty space for the one painting. Ick, dramatic art effect!—

Sherlock: IT'S A FUCKING FAKE!

Museum Lady: I swear, it's totally not.

Lestrade: Want to just stand here and look perplexed?

John: On it.

Moriarty!boy #4: …

Sherlock: Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!

Moriarty!boy #4: …

Sherlock: Omg, really? What a cock tease!

Moriarty!boy #4: COUNT DOWN!

Lestrade & John: OMG, IT'S A KID, OUR HEARTS!

Sherlock: I LOVE DRAMATIC COUNT DOWNS!

Lestrade & John: *sniffle*

Moriarty!boy #4: I sound so sad when I count.

Sherlock: Three seconds left, I win. Guess what? It's a star thing! The_Van Buren Supernova_. BITCH SLAP!

John: Oh wait, is this a joke call back to the Earth goes around the Sun?

Sherlock: *GLEE*

Museum Lady: I suddenly look really haggard and they took my necklace. *pouts*

Sherlock: Duh nuh nah, I look intimidating.

Lestrade: Isn't interrogating my job?

Museum Lady: So, I got the fake painting made and then this guy helped me get it famoused up and stuff!

Sherlock: Who?

Museum Lady: But I look too scared about it…

Sherlock: SAY MORIRATY, DAMN IT.

Museum Lady: …Moriarty.

Sherlock: SCORE!

Musical score: I am sooooooo dramatic.

John: Still off doing shit for Mycroft.

Train guy: Fucking hippies killing themselves.

John: Lack of blood?

Train guy: Blood?

Sherlock: Train track change!

John: …stalker.

Sherlock: I love house breaking.

Widow's Brother: Um… yeah I killed the memory missile plan stick guy. He was drunk, I took the plans cause I'm a douche then I threw him down the stairs and then up onto the train… by accident.

Sherlock: Uh, duh.

-And now it's night!-

Sherlock: I want Pip number 5!

John: Ha ha, solar system!

Sherlock: Shut up, I'm watching TV very seriously.

John: Whatever, I'm going to go out to see Sarah since this bombing game thing is completely over and as the closest person to you I'm not in any sort of danger, not even remotely.

Sherlock: I'll wait until you leave then secretly post to my website about the memory stick.

Moriarty: Yes, pool scene!

Sherlock: Ooo, good idea, meet at the pool!

-OMG, THE POOL, THE POOL, OMG-

Sherlock: Honey, I'm home! Brought you classified presents!

Moriarty!John: Well, hello there, handsome.

Sherlock: HOLY SHIT, I'M SURPRISED ABOUT SOMETHING!

Moriarty!John: Yeah… got me a bomb on your boyfriend.

Sherlock: I am starting to panic a bit.

Moriarty!John: I do love symbolism and irony!

Sherlock: NO MORE DATE WITH YOU!

Moriarty!John: Oh tears… I can stop his fucking heart, you idiot!

Sherlock: SAY THAT TO MY FACE, ASSHOLE!

Moriarty: *open door* BRING IT!

Sherlock: Oh crap, there was foreshadowing in this episode, wasn't there?

Moriarty: I gave you my number.

Sherlock: Uh…

Moriarty: You didn't call.

Sherlock: Uh, no…

Moriarty: Seriously, you should have called.

Sherlock: You called me!

Moriarty: I'M GONNA BLOW UP YOUR BOYFRIEND!

Sherlock: SHIT!

Moriarty: Is that a gun in your pocket or do I get to use this joke for real?

Sherlock: *GUN*

Moriarty: Ha ha, fooled you!

Sherlock: Consulting criminal?

Moriarty: Hot, isn't it?

Sherlock: Nope.

Moriarty: But we have quick witty banter!

Sherlock: No, we don't.

Moriarty: Yes, we do.

Sherlock: Oh, yes we do.

Moriarty: Daddy's had enough now!

Sherlock: Wow, how do you get the best lines in this episode instead of me?

John: Maybe I can slowly slide to the right on out and they won't notice.

Moriarty: The point is, get the fuck out of my business.

Sherlock: Uh, no.

Moriarty: DON'T MAKE ME SHOUT, IT'S SCARY!

Sherlock: John, you okay? Strapped to a bomb, not okay. But really, you okay? I'm not starting to panic more, I swear.

John: *brave soldier look*

Sherlock: *can't stop looking at John*

Moriarty: Dude, I'm starting to ship you guys now.

John: What if I just jumped in the pool?

Sherlock: You can haz missile plans?

Moriarty: Psh, I can had anywhere.

John: GOT YA, BITCH! Try your sniper now!

Sherlock: *PANIC EYES*

Moriarty: Please, you think I only have one sniper?

Red Dot: I'm going to hang out on Sherlock's head now.

John: …I never get to do anything.

Moriarty: Leave me alone, sexy Holmes.

Sherlock: Like you really want me to.

Moriarty: I will burn the HEART out of you.

Sherlock: What heart?

Moriarty: Uh, he's strapped to a bomb right behind me.

Sherlock: *shifty eyes*

John: …I can't think of enough significant curses to properly convey the utter horribleness of my situation.

Moriarty: Kay, buh bye.

Sherlock: I could shoot you.

Moriarty: Or not.

Sherlock: Or I could.

Moriarty: Aw, but then I'd be sad and we wouldn't get to play anymore! Oh and my SNIPERS WOULD TAKE YOU OUT, UH DUH!

Sherlock: My line.

Moriarty: MORIARTY OUT! *giggle*

-Significant pause-

Sherlock: OH MY GOD, **FLIP OUT TIME**, JOHN JOHN JOHN, YOU OKAY, YOU ALL RIGHT, OH MY GOD, JOHN!

John: Aw, darling, I didn't know you cared.

Sherlock: STILL. FLIPPING. OUT.

Audience: 0_0

John: Whoa, cute collapsing time.

Sherlock: I'm being all jittery and stuttery and shaky because you could have died and I'm caring and stuff right now. *WHIMPER*

John: It's okay, I'll set you right with a gay joke.

Sherlock: Hee, I feel better because people are dumb.

Red Dot: Miss me?

Moriarty: JK, I'M BACK!

Sherlock & John: Fucking shit…

Moriarty: I'm gonna kill you with my snipers anyhow because I am just that CRACKY!

Sherlock: Yeah, well, I've got a gun and a bomb vest between us, bitch.

Moriarty: Ooooo, oh no you didn't!

-DRAMATIC TENSE MUSIC-

Audience: Is this going to be an evil, evil cliff hanger?

Moffat: HELL YES!


End file.
